Really? I never would have guessed

Waitress (while bringing us our food): "Hi, I'm Stacy and I'll be your server today"

To be fair, she told us that when she seated us, again when she brought coffee, and again when she took our order. I'm guessing blond roots. Maybe if she doesn't say her name enough she forgets what it is.

Let 'em off the apron strings. Please.

As the spring semester ends, new students are gearing up to join us in the fall. As a result we get a lot parents trying to get Little Johnny and Sweet Suzie's email accounts and student database access set up. The problem is... due to FERPA, we cannot give the parents any information about the student's account. We can give basics, like go to this website, click that link, these are the questions you will need answers to, that sort of thing, but when it comes to things like "what's Johnny's user ID" we cannot answer that. It leads to interesting comments:

Parent Caller: "I don't think my son is bright enough to do this on his own" Really, Mom? This is a techincal university ya know...

Parent Caller "I've never heard of gmail. What is that?" You live under a rock, right?

Parent Caller "If he does this on his own, then I won't know the password" So much for student privacy...

Parent Caller "I pay the tuition. I have a right to know." Argue that with the Dept. of Education

Parent Caller "She really doesn't know much about computers" Maybe this one and Bright Boy up there will get together.

Honorable Mention for Honesty Award
Help Desk guy: "This is really something the student will have to do. We need to be able to talk to him"
Parent Caller: "Well, the student is a lazy ass"

What is my web address?

Staff Caller: "I'm with DEPARTMENT. We are having pens printed and want our web address for DEPARTMENT printed on them. What is my department's web address?"

To make this even more interesting, the caller was one of two people in DEPARTMENT that works on DEPARTMENT'S website on a regular basis.

Help Desk Guy: "DEPARTMENT.UNIVERSITY.edu?"

Granted, Staff Caller had a dumb bunny on the phone that insisted that every web address MUST start with WWW, but still. You don't know your own department's web address?

On a side note, not every address on the web starts with WWW. If someone tells you a web address, you might just try typing it in as spoken. If the address contained WWW the speaker most likely would have mentioned them.

On an unrelated note, if you receive an email with a telephone number in it that you are to call for a teleconference, apparently it will function better if you dial the number as printed and not simply make up numbers to put in.

What department is this again?

If you call someone and they say something along the lines of "IT Help Desk. Can I help you?" you might guess that you are not calling the University's International Affairs Office. Don't get pissy with me if I don't happen to know who Amy is. She's not in my department, and there are over 1,000 users here. I don't know them all personally, and have no idea if "Amy" is in the office.

Note that having both the monitor and tower powered up is important to having a working computer.

Student Caller: "I'm having problems setting up my new email" Not how she said it, paraphrasing.
HelpDesk Guy: "Do you know your user ID?"
Student Caller: "No"
Help Desk Guy "How about your student number?
Student Caller: "No"
Help Desk Guy "The registrar might be able to help you if you know your Social Security Number"
Student Caller: "Wat's dat?" yes, that's how she said it.
Ah the joys of incoming freshmen. She prolly doesn't know her shapes either.

Yeah, we're psychic

Faculty Caller: " I have a broken computer in another office, can you fix it?"
Help Desk Guy: "What's it doing? Can you give me any information about the computer?"
Faculty Caller: " No. I guess I need to call from that office?"

Ya think?

Also, if a computer doesn't take your password, just press the same keys HARDER. It will make it work correctly for you. Same with the mouse. Bash the buttons really hard, it makes things go faster.

Know your shapes

User calls in with problems with her computer
Help Desk Guy: "What operating system are you using?"
Student Caller:"Um... I dunno, Windows I guess"
Help Desk Guy: "Do you know what version? Windows XP, Vista, 7?"
Student Caller: "Um... no?"
Help Desk Guy (not surprised, a lot of folks don't know that one) "Is your start button round or square?"
Student Caller: "Um.. I dunno. Squareish I guess?"

Really? Are you sure you are a college student? She was actually using Win7 by the way, so it was round.

Did you even listen to the question?

Student Caller "I forgot my password and need to reset it, but this tool is not working"
Help Desk Guy "Are you using the tool at the student information site?"
Student Caller "Yes. It keeps asking for a password though, and I don't know what the password is"
Help Desk Guy "It should be asking for your email address, student number, ssn and date of birth"
Student Caller "Oh... is that because I'm using the tool at the class information site?"

This is why I asked if you are using the one at the student information site.

In other news:

Ticket received:
Please install a desk in my office (this was not a typo. he really did want IT to purchase and set up a desk for him.)

Ticket received:
I have two monitors, but I never use the second one. When I turn it off, I lose my mouse pointer

Ticket received:
I switched my mail to the new email service, but now all the mail only appears there.

Caller: "I can't log into anything"
Help Desk Guy "Are you staff, faculty, student..?"
Caller "Staff"
I guess I can call him staff caller now
Help Desk Guy: "Do you know what your user ID is?"
Staff Caller (without actually providing the information) "yes"
This is going well. Yay.
Eventually found out that his computer had been compromised and blocked from the network. His password was also scrambled
Staff Caller: "So I guess I just sit here until something happens?"
What a helpful friendly fellow. Oh I don't know. Maybe we can submit a ticket to have your computer rebuilt and then find a machine with someone else logged in so that we can get your password changed?
Staff Caller: "My morning is shot. I don't have time to deal with this"
Help Desk Guy "You won't be able to log into anything until your password gets changed"
Staff Caller "whatever"

Oh, and another thing...

Why is there so much confusion around the terms reboot, Log off, lock and shut down? They really are 4 distinct options in the Windows shut down menu, and they really do 4 very different things. Generally we will only ask you to do 2 of those, either log off or restart. Generally this is because we either need access to your machine without you being "in" it, or there is something not right with your computer and sometimes a simple restart will correct those issues. Please please please, pay attention to what we ask you to do. It's really not that hard to pick the right one. Thanks.

Wait...wut?

User ID. Fairly important bit of information. EVERYone on campus has one. You use it to log into EVERYthing that has ANYthing to do with the university. It's really not a hard question like what is your favorite color or your wedding anniversary or something. It's really not. Be prepared for someone to ask that of you if you call.

Student Caller "I'm having problems with my email"
Help Desk Guy "What is your user ID?"
Student Caller "Why do you need that?"

...

Student Caller "I'm having problems with my email"
Help Desk Guy "What is your user ID?"
Student Caller "mumblemumblemumble"
Help Desk Guy "I'm sorry, I didn't understand that, can you please repeat it?"
Student Caller (speaking even faster) "mumblemumblemumbl"

...

To make it interesting, most of our student user ID's are a 6 character string, normally initials followed by 3 random characters. THIS really gets interesting over the phone when you can have something like VBDFSX as an ID that you have to try and repeat over the phone. Yes, I know. Not everyone is familiar with either the NATO or radio alphabets, but most folks should have an idea of what a phonetic spelling is used for. If someone uses a phonetic alphabet to repeat your user ID back to you, please pay attention to the words. D as in Delta when repeated back means that I heard a letter D. If you agree with me, then I assume that your ID has a letter D in it not B. Oddly enough B as in Delta makes no sense. And if you are trying to spell your ID back to me G for Guest is a bit weird, especially with a Chinese accent.

Stupid stuff I see, hear and do.

Stupid Stuff I See:

This is our busiest week of the year. We go from about 75 calls per day to over 200 for a couple of weeks at the start of the fall semester (remember, technical university, right?). This year, we have a smaller staff taking calls for various reasons, so the call volume "feels" even bigger than it normally does this time of year. This is part of the stupid I see. Part 2 was at least temporary. The facilities guys needed to run some additional data cables in out building, and needed to install additional conduit for it. 4 inch diameter conduit, through concrete floor directly above the call center. During work hours. Have you ever heard what a hammer drill sounds like boring a 4 inch hole through a foot of concrete? Have you ever tried to have a phone conversation over that sort of racket?

Stupid Stuff I Hear:

The most common one recently goes something like:

Student Caller "I can't log into (insert online application here)"
Help Desk Guy "What sort of error are you getting?"
Student Caller "I don't know, it just won't let me in"
Help Desk Guy "Why don't you go ahead and give it a try while we are on the phone so I can get an idea "
Student Caller "Hold on while I turn on my computer" even better was the one that had me hold on while she WALKED ACROSS CAMPUS to find a lab computer that wasn't in use, huffing, puffing and cussing the whole way.

Then there was...

Staff Caller "My printer isn't working"
Help Desk Guy "Is this a network printer or local?"
Staff caller "I don't understand"
OK, I'll give you that one.
Help Desk Guy: "Is this a printer that only you can print to, or do others print to it as well?"
Staff Caller: "I don't know"
Help Desk Guy: "Do we know what kind of printer it is?"
Staff Caller: "No. It's grayish. Does that help?"
Yeah sure it does. It looks like every other printer ever made. Thanks. I now know exactly what kind it is
Help Desk Guy: "What about your computer name? Do you know that?"
Staff Caller "No"
Help Desk Guy: "Do you have a 'My Computer' icon on your desktop?"
Staff Caller "I don't see one. The problem is my printer, not the computer"

I sent someone to go have a look. Apparently the reason the printer was not printing was because a network print job that is automatically sent to her printer from the main campus or "mother ship" was currently being sent, rather than over-night like normal. It "wasn't printing" because the print job had not yet been sent.

The rash of phishing schemes got us "blacklisted" by a couple of organizations that monitors spam. If they see a domain that is sending out copious amounts of junk, they mark that domain and add it to spam filters that other organizations use to help keep the garbage out of your inbox. As a result of us being blacklisted a lot of out-going email is either going to junk mail or spam folders, or not getting delivered at all. I was explaining this to a professor who had a colleague suddenly not getting his email. His response:

Faculty Caller "You mean people responded to that? I thought this was a technical university."

Priceless.

Stupid Stuff I Do:

Tripping over the cedar chest in the living room that is used for a coffee table teaches one a the lesson that wood is pretty sturdy and bare toes are not. Purple, swollen, maybe broken. Yay.